I got this jokes from a forwarded e-mail. Enjoy! =)
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WHERE IS JOHN?
Once president BUSH went to a school. After have a brief talk with the children he asked them if they had any questions to ask him.
One boy raised his hand and stood up.
Bush: what’s your name?
John: john
Bush: what’s your question?
John: sir I have three questions
1) Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO?
2) Where is Osama?
3) Why do America support Pakistan so much?
Bush: you are an intelligent student john (Just then the bell for recess rang). Oh dear students we will continue after the recess is over.
After the recess
Bush: ok children where were we? Yes, so anybody wants to ask any question?
Peter raises his hand
Bush: What’s your name?
Peter: sir I have 5 questions.
1) Why did America attack Iraq without the approval of UNO?
2) Where is Osama?
3) Why do America support Pakistan so much?
4) Why did recess bell rang 20 mins before the scheduled time?
5) Where is JOHN?
W IS A SAINT
President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside Washington as part of his campaign. Karl Rove made a visit to the Bishop and said to him, "We’ve been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush’s position on stem cell research and the like. We’d gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon you’d say the President is a saint."
The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it."
Bush pompously shows up looking especially smug and as the sermon progresses the Bishop begins his homily:
"George Bush is petty, a self-absorbed hypocrite and a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He has lied about his military record and had the gall to put himself in a jet plane landing on a carrier posing before a banner stating ‘Mission Accomplished.’ He invaded a country for oil and money, and is using it to lie to the American people. He is the worst example of a Methodist I’ve ever personally known. But compared to Dick Cheney and the rest of his cabinet, George Bush is a saint."
OSAMA’s MESSAGE TO BUSH
After numerous rounds of "We don’t know if Osama Bin Laden is still alive", Osama decided to personally send President Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was "still in the game".
Mr. Bush opened the letter, which contained a single line of "coded" message:
370HSSV-0773H
Mr. Bush was baffled, so he sent copies to his Chief of Staff, and several Secretaries, including Condi Rice and Donald Rumsfeld. Their assistants and aides had no clue as to the meaning or translation of the code, so it was sent to the Federal Bureau of Investigation, then to the CIA and also to NASA. With no clue to the translation, they eventually asked Israel’s MOSAD for help.
Within a minute, MOSAD cabled the White House with this reply:
"Tell the President he is holding the message upside down."
WHOSE CHILD IS IT?
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how she knows if they’re intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It’s me, ma’am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!"
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he’d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It’s me, of course."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb sh*t, it’s Tony Blair!"
WELCOME TO HEAVEN!
George Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to a glitch in the celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart. The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him.
"You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed.
"You really are Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn’t hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein’s scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps.
"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"
The last to arrive is George Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
Bush looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."
GEORGE BUSH JOKES
George Bush and Dick Cheney are talking, when Bush suddenly complains "I hate all the dumb George Bush jokes people tell about me."
Cheney, feeling sorry for his "boss," says "Oh, they’re only jokes. There are a lot of truly stupid people out there. Here, I’ll prove it to you."
Cheney takes Bush outside and hails a cab.
"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I’m home," says Cheney. The cab driver, without saying a word, drives them to 29 Nickel Street.
Cheney looks at Bush and says, "See! This guy is really stupid."
George Bush agrees. "He really is a dummy. There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."
GEORGE BUSH IN LIBRARY
The president goes into a library. "I would like a cheeseburger and fries," he says in a loud, clear voice."
"But sir," says the assistant, "this is a library."
"Gee, I’m sorry," says Bush, and whispers very quietly, "I’d like a cheeseburger and fries."
BUSH AND POWELL IN BAR
A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn’t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that’s them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We’re planning WWIII."
And the guy says, "Really? What’s going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we’re going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smartass! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"
BUSH CAN’T PUT PUZZLE TOGETHER
Cheney gets a call from his "boss", George. "I’ve got a problem," says George.
"What’s the matter?" asks Cheney.
"Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but it’s too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can’t find any edges."
"What’s it a picture of?" asks Cheney.
"A big rooster," replies George.
"All right," sighs Cheney, "I’ll come over and have a look." So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. George points at the jigsaw on his desk. Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to George and says, "For crying out loud, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box."
